Breaking Chains and Running Free

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Tonight, I am supposed to write something funny, but I ended up sad and wishing some things never happened. I was looking for pictures that I can use for my posts when I stumbled into a picture that I haven't seen before.Maybe it was God's way of putting an end to whatever it is that's bothering me.

Last month, I got a message from someone and I didn't know how to deal with it, so I ignored it and continued with my life.Everyday,I would have the urge to write back, as if it was God or the Holy Spirit prompting me to reply, but I held on to my hurt and pride.

Two years ago, in the midst of the chaos that I got myself into,one person suffered the consequences of my actions with me. It was unfair in a way because everything was supposed to be all about me and my family life, but just because she was with me at that time, she got herself into the same trouble as I had.

But I didn't saw it that way then. I was hurt and broken by the series of events that happened to me. And when more people become involve in the situation, the misunderstandings can happen. I was angry at how the situation was going to make me choose between my kids and them. It's really a no-brainer, and I would not trade my children for anything even if it meant letting go of some people.

Yes, I have to temporarily let go of some people in my life because of my children. I never regretted that move and it was one hell of a sacrifice I made. Only a real mother would understand my predicament. Upon reflecting and assessing my life, I realized something that made me think about it from time to time.Sometimes it is easier to forgive a certain person over another regardless of how much the person hurt you. But can you really weigh the pain you feel ? Is there a standard mode of measuring to determine how much you hurt emotionally?

 Pain is still pain, I think. So why can't I forgive the one person who has been a pillar of strength for me in the past and forgive someone else who has brought me to the brink of insanity? Maybe because I expected her to understand me more than anyone else and I didn't expect her to bail out on me.And that to me hurt a lot. Any kind of falling out with a family member is very painful.

She was always the very first one to come to my rescue every time I need to be rescued, the very first person to visit me in hospitals the countless times I was hospitalized since 2008. She was my wine buddy, eating buddy, laughing buddy, gossip buddy and shopping buddy. We were so close that some people cannot help but feel a bit jealous. And bringing me to the Feast is the biggest contribution she had in my life.

Because of the hurt which I nurtured and entertained, I intentionally hid her Facebook profile from my feed so I won't see any of her post. I don't want to know anything that's related to her and what she does anymore.And I guess that's also because I learned that she was too angry at me and cannot face me without being mad. And so I just tried to steer clear off her path as well.

The worst part is not getting invites to family occasions, just because they thought that we should not see each other and ruin the event. Talk about shallowness and narrow-mindedness. The "family" avoided me, and so I avoided them as well.And I proved to them that I do not need them in anyway. After all, I have done my part in helping them in the past. 

Many times I asked myself why I have to go through this and suffer being an outcast when I did nothing to intentionally hurt or harm them. What did I do to them that they need to choose sides?

I guess it is time to acknowledge the feelings that are kept hidden. Honestly, I can still feel a slight pang of anger at her and for the rest of the clan for not understanding me and the situation I was in, but I miss her. And this is the first time I acknowledge this feeling when I saw our pictures together. But, it is time to move on.

I don't know what the future holds in store for me. I just want to reminisce the good times we had. I am not being arrogant in not answering to her message. It's just so difficult for me to find the right words. I don't want to be misunderstood again. Some say it's easy to forgive but hard to forget. I wish it was that true and easy. To forgive and forget is difficult especially if you've been hurt badly. But we all know that time heals all wounds.

We've both moved on with our lives and started new chapters, made new friendships and connections. But as I always said, we may have misunderstandings big and small and no matter how long we heal from the wounds of the past, in the end, we are still family. We still have the same blood running through our veins. Only time can tell when we can finally forget everything and start anew and rekindle relationships. God has that in his plans already, we just have to wait for the right time, in His time.

It's time to be free!


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