May Summers-Jimeno

How can  I say goodbye to you when i know that you won't be coming back?
How can I cay goodbye to you when part of me does not believe that you're gone?

Seeing you in your deathbed and in a coffin was like a movie running in my mind. I know that it was real but my heart and mind did not accept the message my eyes was telling me. Even if the others were already crying, i could not cry my heart out because in my heart i was hoping you were okay. It hurts me so much to see you lying there in a coma hours before you passed away.

I realized why i just can't get over with your death, that there were so many things that i should have done for you before you go. You were more like a sister to me than just a cousin. I regretted the times when you would text or call  inviting me to one of your events. Had i understood before that it was your way of taking care of your family and bridging the gaps between us, i would have at least met up with you even just for a cup of coffee. I can still hear your voice and i keep on replaying over and over again in my mind the things we talked about. I envy those people whom you get to share your last days, the new friends you've made through your business. I should have been one of them.There are still so many things i wanted to say to you.

For whatever the reason we had a misunderstanding before, i know i already told you that i have forgiven you and that i love you. You didn't talk to me when i visited you at the hospital, you would not even look me in the eye. I kept wondering what was going on inside your head at that time. Were you mad at me, wasn't  happy to see me? I could only hold your hand but i couldn't feel any response. And the morning before you died, i was afraid to hold you, afraid i might break the bones in your body. You were so weak. I could hear your breath through the ventilator. The sight of you weakened me because i have never seen you in so much  pain in the years that i have known you.I would never forget your face and the way you looked that day. 

During your memorial services, i cried my heart out when i heard the song You sung by one of your friends.I remembered how we sung it over and over again because you were practicing for a show were you would be a guest It was the first time i ever did cry after your death.I was so overwhelmed with all the people who rushed to your side hours before you passed away. Many people did love you.And you will always stay in our hearts.

You taught me a a big valuable lesson in life. These past year, I have always been trying to end my life when i felt so overwhelmed with problems. I felt so ashamed because i realized how selfish i have been trying to escape life by ending it myself when you were there all these times fighting for survival for the sake of your kids. Thank you for opening my eyes to the truth that we do not have the power over our lives. You taught me to give thanks and to appreciate the Lord , the only One who has the power and knows when we will be set free.

But  i know that God have you in His care now,that's the only thing that consoles us. You will still be there to guide us and to watch over your husband and your kids. And at night when we looked at the stars, you would be there, the brightest star, the way you shone when you were still here with us.

All of us will try to move on day by day but it doesn't mean that we have forgotten you.There will be times that we will cry at the sight of your picture, but just let us be. It will only show how much we love you. You will live forever in our hearts. You are very much alive in your kids,and everytime we see them we will be able to see you through their eyes. 

Sweet dreams May, sleep tight. One day, we will all be there together once again. 

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